My Dark Ringed Hazel Man

Try waking up every morning with this hollow emptiness that sits in the absolute pit of my stomach and nausea that threatens to envelope me most hours of the day!

I wake up with a vision in my mind of Him and go to sleep with that same vision of Him and have that vision intermittently through the course of the day. It gnaws at me, savagely ripping at my thoughts, and it pervades every inch of my waking hours and is forever there …….. it never goes away!!!!! It sits there, waiting to pounce again and again and the hollow emptiness just increases and maintains its vigil at my fragile hearts door.

I know why I feel like this because my only crime is of being guilty of loving, wanting and missing Someone, Something, Him …… He knows who He is ……….
I mourn for him, I mourn for what we briefly had, I mourn for what we could have had, I mourn for that man that I fell in love with, I mourn for the life in those dark ringed hazel eyes, I mourn for him because he is unable to mourn for himself. It devastates me to know that he doesn’t fear for himself, that he doesn’t care enough about himself, that he doesn’t aspire to love again, to feel again, to LIVE again – how, is this humanly possible when all the emotions are so part of who and what we are and of every day life and yet they seem to constantly elude him or is it that he chooses for them to elude him, he can grasp them, he has before, but now the desire for Love and Life has left his eyes ……. I long, grieve and pine for this Dark Ringed Hazel Man, this Love of Mine ………

He is elusively chasing “nothingness” that will only leave in its wake - dereliction, pain, turmoil, devastation, loss, loneliness, heartache ………. and his beautiful Dark Ringed Hazel Eyes – Lifeless & Soulless. He voluntarily chooses this emptiness, this abyss of nothingness. Why? I ask ……… what does he hide inside, what does he not want to face? Are his demons so heinous that he fears looking at them, facing them would destroy the very fibre of his being. His decision not to face his demons destroys the very fibre of his being now, does he not see this, no, it grieves me, he doesn’t ……….. I know not, anymore.

I voluntarily put myself out there in the firm belief that I would only know unless I felt it ………… I have felt it. It makes me ache inside that the “nothingness” has claimed once again a willing victim.

My Dark Ringed Hazel Man, how I but wish that I can bring you back from the darkness which is slowly draining the life from you, I can do nothing but stand on the sidelines – hoping and praying that you will in one last desperate attempt reach out your hand so that I might assist in stopping you from plunging into that Lifeless, Soulless Abyss forever ………. Oh, how I pray that you will reach out your hand but just once again …….

And say once more to me, “Babe - I don’t want us to be done – please rethink ………..”

For then, I will know that you have chosen above all else - Love & Life, my Precious Dark Ringed Hazel Man.


All my love ………. always.


Lazy Lass