The Journey ............. always with Hope, Faith & Courage

My Dark Ringed Hazel Man

Try waking up every morning with this hollow emptiness that sits in the absolute pit of my stomach and nausea that threatens to envelope me most hours of the day!

I wake up with a vision in my mind of Him and go to sleep with that same vision of Him and have that vision intermittently through the course of the day. It gnaws at me, savagely ripping at my thoughts, and it pervades every inch of my waking hours and is forever there …….. it never goes away!!!!! It sits there, waiting to pounce again and again and the hollow emptiness just increases and maintains its vigil at my fragile hearts door.

I know why I feel like this because my only crime is of being guilty of loving, wanting and missing Someone, Something, Him …… He knows who He is ……….
I mourn for him, I mourn for what we briefly had, I mourn for what we could have had, I mourn for that man that I fell in love with, I mourn for the life in those dark ringed hazel eyes, I mourn for him because he is unable to mourn for himself. It devastates me to know that he doesn’t fear for himself, that he doesn’t care enough about himself, that he doesn’t aspire to love again, to feel again, to LIVE again – how, is this humanly possible when all the emotions are so part of who and what we are and of every day life and yet they seem to constantly elude him or is it that he chooses for them to elude him, he can grasp them, he has before, but now the desire for Love and Life has left his eyes ……. I long, grieve and pine for this Dark Ringed Hazel Man, this Love of Mine ………

He is elusively chasing “nothingness” that will only leave in its wake - dereliction, pain, turmoil, devastation, loss, loneliness, heartache ………. and his beautiful Dark Ringed Hazel Eyes – Lifeless & Soulless. He voluntarily chooses this emptiness, this abyss of nothingness. Why? I ask ……… what does he hide inside, what does he not want to face? Are his demons so heinous that he fears looking at them, facing them would destroy the very fibre of his being. His decision not to face his demons destroys the very fibre of his being now, does he not see this, no, it grieves me, he doesn’t ……….. I know not, anymore.

I voluntarily put myself out there in the firm belief that I would only know unless I felt it ………… I have felt it. It makes me ache inside that the “nothingness” has claimed once again a willing victim.

My Dark Ringed Hazel Man, how I but wish that I can bring you back from the darkness which is slowly draining the life from you, I can do nothing but stand on the sidelines – hoping and praying that you will in one last desperate attempt reach out your hand so that I might assist in stopping you from plunging into that Lifeless, Soulless Abyss forever ………. Oh, how I pray that you will reach out your hand but just once again …….

And say once more to me, “Babe - I don’t want us to be done – please rethink ………..”

For then, I will know that you have chosen above all else - Love & Life, my Precious Dark Ringed Hazel Man.


All my love ………. always.


Lazy Lass

If you roll your eyes at me, I'll pick them up and roll them back - Short is short, Cough Up!

If you know about the Food Management Service Industry, then you will be familiar with the phrase - "short is short - pay in". It never ceases to amaze me when this is the case in our business and the phrase is used that I seem to always experience the murderous look in the eyes of staff as though I am asking them to sky dive out a plane without a parachute - really what could I be thinking???!!!

The facial expressions and gestures by our staff when asked to cough up (not the lungs, just the cash) are priceless, the techniques used are manipulative body language and intended to be intimidating to say the least - scratching of head, looking at the ceiling (for divine intervention, perhaps?), rolling & stretching of the eyes, pursing, snarling (Vampire Fangs appear from nowhere ..... oh, how I quiver - lol!)) biting & O'ing of the lips, tapping of the foot, folding of the arms ....... quite comical, I bet a Drama Student would be enthralled. Does it have the desired effect of manipulating, intimidating and softening THE MONSTER ...... THE MONSTER shakes her head from left to right in a horizontal movement vigorously, lol, meaning NO!

Our staff are aware that should they work with money and are short when cashed up then they will pay in, this is not new in our business or in our industry, so why do I still get all the excuses under the sun as to why they are short and to top it all once they have paid in I get those invisible, pointed and sharp daggers in my back ............ by now I should have succumbed in a painful, brutal manner - lol.

Hmmmm, and then to top it all I get the silent treatment as though I am the perpetrator, I am the one responsible for their cash shortage. Does it bother me in the least, hell no. Rules are there to be adhered to and that's exactly what is being enforced.

So, staff don't bother me with your droopy lips, murderous looks & bad attitude - you will always lose if you don't play the game.

All is fair in Business & War ............

Blink, yes you heard me - blink & OMG we are in a New Year again .........!

BLINK, we do that without even giving the action a thought or even a second thought. Why, because it's instinctive ......... that's how quickly a New Year transcends upon us without us even being remotely aware of how quickly the previous year has gone. So, my question to myself is:- How did last year change me, how did last year make me a better individual, how did last year add value to me? Hmmmm, I know that these questions should have been answered by me on the first day of this new year and not 14 days into this new year.

So, what am I deducing about myself - Procrastination "to delay or postpone action", ORIGIN - Latin - procrastinare "defer till the morning" (there is no easier, softer way). Hahaha, I didn't even defer till the morning I deferred for 14 days ............ I am making myself aware of the fact that if I had deferred any other action i.e. paying my rent for 14 days I definately would have received a very rude reminder from my Land Lord or worse yet - legal summons. But, yet I marvel incredulously at my inability to make myself do a personal inventory regarding the year passed.

Surely, this should be just as easy as paying my rent, which I do diligently monthly? But, alas it seems as though it isn't! Why is that, I ask myself? Now, we are getting to the nitty gritty - could it be that perhaps I don't have plausible and substantial answers to the questions I have posed to myself. Am I afraid of what my answers will be? That just might be the crux of the matter - FEAR (F**k Everything And Run) - Run being the operative word here, lol!

Do I honestly think that by running my derriere is not going to follow .......... smiles, I need to get real and answer my questions to myself - SOONER rather than LATER.

N.T.S. (Note to Self) - Get your Toosh stable and answer your damn questions!!!

FESTA or FAMES ....... both Latin, now isn't that a coincidence!

Yes, yes I know ........... it's been a while since I have taken the time to let my fingers and thoughts plough and sift relentlessly so as to offer some insight as to what is happening in my life. Hmmmm, well now that I have willed myself to sit here and do just that. The first ramblings that come to mind are, yes, you guessed it - FESTA or FAMES.

I have yet to understand how the dynamics of "in the now" actually transpire ........ however, I know that if I ponder too long on this I am liable to take myself to the precipice of insanity - smiles, does this sound melodramatic, hell yes, I believe it does .......... lol.

Anyway, let me get back to FESTA or FAMES - this seems to be the journey of my life, never a "happy medium", loneliness has for a long while been real in my life and I have put my request out to the Universe and have sometimes not so quietly questioned and interrogated the Universe as to when I will be receiving my request - Patience is always the first word that springs to mind and yes, I patiently wait. Whilst patiently waiting, the request seems to be unfolding in front of my eyes.

Yes, it has become a FESTA, however, I know what happens with a FESTA = OVER INDULGENCE purely due to the fact that the menu is so varied and interesting that being but a mere mortal (lol) I want to savour and experience each individual experience seperately but also combined. Is this wrong? Does this make me any less of a person? Does the juggling compromise who I know I am? I am over analyzing as always, yes, this I know ....... instead of just being "in the now".

Perhaps, this is just exactly what it is meant to be - FESTA and not FAMES, because FAMES is what I have lived with for a long while and now perhaps, again I am privileged to be enjoying a FESTA!

VIVA FESTA, VIVA ........... smiles

Maturing like a superb Red Wine, tell that to the Bones!

Ok, by anyones standards 38 years young is not old, right? I said right, I can't hear the affirmative reply from anyone ......... hmmmmm, starting to get worried now! I find that I am at 38 years young really reflecting on life. Ok, ok don't say one word, please this is a sensitive issue as it is, with me. My Dad always refers to it as "counting his past sins" - lol, I think I am doing the same and there is a 22 year age gap between my Dad and I. It's like looking into a Crystal Ball at the past and wondering why I ever chose to make certain decisions and if I hadn't made those decisions how different would my life have turned out. I know I will never know ..... that for me is just the craziest notion - not knowing! I also ponder in great length whether I would actually want to change my lifes journey because if I hadn't travelled my specific road, I definately would not be the person I am today. So, it almost feels like Double Jeopardy ......... smiles.

I must say this though that I am finally friends with the person I am today, I love the person I am today, I like the person I am today ............ so, then based on how I feel about myself I am not going to ponder too much on the above and just say this - my life is good, there is always room for improvement but for now my life is good.

I am a grateful 38 years young Somebody just for today and Maturing like a superb Red Wine - smiles, although the Bones tend to disagree sometimes, aaaaaah, there I go again ........... STOP!

Squeeze the Fat out of the Snake ...... why don't ya?

Today, my father & I went "affirmative look-seeing", we were actually doing some reconnaissance. Ok, ok, nothing cloak & dagger ............ smiles. I must admit that whenever I am in my Dads company we always seem to have a hearty laugh. He really knows how to get me chortling from the depths of my stomach. Allow me to quickly give you some insight as to where & how todays Title came about ............ lol, lol, lol!

My Dad is the owner of a Cobra Motorcar which he thoroughly enjoys entertaining himself with, quite sweet to see him driving it actually, with his sparse hairs on his head, (which I try and intimidate to grow by planting a kiss on his bald patch every so often - lol), he looks soooo young and care free and I know it gets his adrenalin pumping. Oh, how I love you my Daddy-Birdie - smiles.

Anyway, where was I, aaaaaah yes - we were returning from our reconnaissance on our way back to the "grindstone" - work, when we drive past a house (my Dad has seen that the owner of the house is also the proud owner of a Cobra Motorcar - Dad has never met the Owner), so Dad pipes up and says - "Damn, I can never get to see this Gent and Squeeze the Fat out of the Snake", so you guessed it I start laughing hysterically and my Dad's begins laughing as well. I then say, "Dad, what did you just say?" and he says " I would love to Squeeze the Fat out of the Snake with that Gent", he stops laughing and looks at me as though I have just said that the Moon is made of Cheese. The penny then drops in my mind and I then put two and two together and get five. What my Dad was actually saying was that he would love to sit down and and compare notes and chat (Squeeze the Fat out of) with a Fellow Cobra (the Snake) Motorcar Owner.

I enjoyed his expression so much I had to share it with you all ............... isn't it funny how something so trivial to most people can actually just make the rest of my day brighter. Thank you for making me laugh today Daddy-Birdie, you have no idea how you touch my soul.